My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Does it get any better than dating a guy with a vasectomy? The answer is NO. No it does not
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Randomize
