my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
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wow
fuck your aforementioned shoe
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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