smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I'd cum for enchiladas.
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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