drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
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I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
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