YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Just laying in bed, snuggling my cat, and pondering whether I'd like to attend a swingers party this evening...
Randomize
