she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
