I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
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