thought so. i woke up and he was playing with my eyeliner. I MAKE GREAT CHOICES.
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
