If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
