i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
you win again, gameday.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
ugffhh I have work in 4 hours and have recieved zero sleep, seeing that I'm trapped in the arms of a snoring bear man. can't. breathe. lost in the forestry of his chest hair.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
