Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
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