am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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