The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
