Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I don't wanna be gay for a night.
I think it would be worth it for free alcohol.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
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