Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
