My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
