i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
it's not rock bottom until you fall down an escalator on the way home from a hookup and have to have you dad come pick your drunkass up at 3am. Adulthood.
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
