drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
