I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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