proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I love you. Go after that dick
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