two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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