I want to make a zoo with you.
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
ttyl tear gas
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
