Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
