I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
