If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I pour the whiskey from now on
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
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