It's like a parade of train wrecks.
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Randomize
