I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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