Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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