Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
