i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
