Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
