He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Just puke n rally. People can't judge, it's syllabus week.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
