so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
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