We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
