I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
I don't see why I have to pay for it.
your head went through the window, you're pretty much obligated to pay for it.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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