I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
