I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Randomize
