So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
Randomize
