the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
All the doctor said was why
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
I'm SO high. And there is so much pudding in this car
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
