Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Don't do anything I wouldn't do. Thankfully for you that list does not include male models.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
