I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue
I'm in love
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I gather from Facebook you got drunk last night and took semi naked pictures of yourself?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
