Is it sad I memorized the exact change required for a #7 at Wendy's?
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
