Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Angelique from Rock of Love is now doing phone sex commercials for central illinois....id say she's going places.
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
Randomize
