Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
