guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
