meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
