bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
