And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
Randomize
