Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
Randomize
