What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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