I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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