I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
