just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Randomize
