I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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