tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
Even my vagina gasped.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
