so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Randomize
