You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I'm sorry I told you to go fuck yourself after you said good morning to me when I was hungover.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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